Since redesigning the newsletter at LifePoint, I’ve included a side column that features a bit of humor. A few samples should suffice …
Forgotten Bible Slogans
- When it comes to building the perfect ship, nothing works better than gopher wood.
- Prophets may rock but shepherds rule.
- Why betray a friend with a handshake when you can do it with a kiss?
- Rebellion isn’t cool.
- Don’t blame the locusts.
- Healthy miracles are high in Omega-3 Fatty Acids.
- In hell, all the coffee is cold.
- Love your neighbor but choose your neighborhood wisely.
- Recycle your papyrus.
- WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive?
If Church Were More Like Starbucks
- Worship leaders would be called worship baristas and be expected to remember your favorite songs.
- Communion would taste more like biscotti.
- With leather seats and catchy music, you might actually be tempted to stick around when it’s over.
- Your favorite song would have ten different words in the title, one of which would be soy.
- Contribution gift cards.
- T-Mobile Hot Spots in the sanctuary.
- Angry neighbors would complain about the “gentrification” of their neighborhood. And then they would come anyway.
- Church newsletters would carry the disclaimer: Caution Contents Are Very Hot.
Songs You May Never Hear Quoted at LifePoint
- Shoplifters of the World Unite (The Smiths)
- Nothing’s Gonna Change My Clothes (They Might Be Giants)
- I Love You But You’re Boring (The Beautiful South)
- I Got My Mojo Working And I Thought You’d Like To Know (The Young Fresh Fellows)
- All The Things You Could Be By Now If Sigmund Freud’s Wife Was Your Mother (Charles Mingus)
- A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But for Very Good Reasons (Sufjan Stevens)
- We the Cats Shall Hep Ya (Cab Calloway)
- Kicker Of Elves (Guided By Voices)
- Satan Gave Me a Taco (Beck)